I just threw up on my dentist
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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