You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
