Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
