I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
