if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Randomize
