How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm jealous of your bromance
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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