just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
