When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
