I must be too annoying 4 u.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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