Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
