remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
