Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
