hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
40s are totally the cure
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
