meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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