C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
