Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
