thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
