That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale