I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
