I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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