my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize