I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
