eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
