Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
