yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
