you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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