I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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