she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
