? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
