I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
thus making me awesome and them whores
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
