remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
