I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
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Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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