life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
