Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Randomize
