I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
