i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
