The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
