Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My hand turned me down
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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