Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
