Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
