in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
