You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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