those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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