my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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