Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize