Grow some girl-balls and come out already
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
