On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
