I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
