I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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