Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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