I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
