I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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