my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
