Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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