she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
