So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We left the knife in your bed.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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