Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
