My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
